"California Highway Conditions Report"

In honor of National Poetry Month, I am posting new work by myself every Wednesday (previously here).
Here is "California Highway Conditions Report."

California Highway Conditions Report

Motorists are advised that the following conditions may be encountered:

--STATE ROUTE 17
[IN THE CENTRAL CALIFORNIA AREA]
A black ice advisory is in effect. Use caution when taking curves in this windy mountainous area as vehicles may hit patches of black ice, fishtail, spin, and ram head first into a muddy hillside, snapping the front grate yet somehow, miraculously, leaving intact the front bumper, headlights, tires, and hood. Unusually kind teenaged boys in blue suits who witness this and stop to offer assistance are available.

--STATE ROUTE 24
[IN THE NORTHERN CALIFORNIA AREA]
Southbound 1 mile before the 680 junction: Traffic is subject to smoke under the hood and stalling engines leading to the discovery of fires caused by faulty heat shields which may engulf entire front halves of vehicles. Drivers may be notified of a recall relating to defective heat shields via US MAIL up to six months after their vehicles have been destroyed, effectively narrowing down any chance of legal action against the automobile manufacturer.

--STATE ROUTE 1
[IN THE NORTHERN CALIFORNIA AREA]
Southbound at the Devil’s Slide area between 5937 and 5975 California Coastal Trail: Vehicles with drivers suffering from depression are prohibited as they may entertain suicidal thoughts of driving off the cliff road and plunging into the Pacific Ocean far below.

--INTERSTATE 280
[IN THE NORTHERN CALIFORNIA AREA]
Southbound 1 mile before Larkspur Drive exit #41: Motorists are advised to expect phone calls from their mothers asking for understanding of and support in the decision to stop their chemotherapy and radiation for brain tumors. Drivers are advised to take the Larkspur Drive exit and pull to the shoulder to receive this news.

--STATE ROUTE 1
[IN THE NORTHERN CALIFORNIA AREA]
Northbound approach to the Golden Gate Bridge: Traffic is subject to views of post-earthquake fires destroying the Marina District of San Francisco. Drivers are urged to use caution not to become frozen with fear by the unholy orange glow against the lightless black city.

--STATE ROUTE 1
[IN THE NORTHERN CALIFORNAI AREA]
Southbound at Stage Road 1 mile north of San Gregorio State Beach: Night time conditions in winter may include a breathtaking view of a silvery-white valley to the left, bathed in full moonlight, still, hills sparkling with frost.

© JEF 2015