Powerful. Yearning. Authentic.
"Home" by Rufus Joseph.
Let′s go home
We can't hide here anymore
All alone
Watching skies become small
Let′s go home
We have fought for so long
We have proof that we're strong
Let's go home
Let′s go home
And I just wanna come back, run flat
Hear my mother cry about my growth
I just wanna unpack, fall flat
On my old bed and lie with my ghost
Walk into the garden, hardened
Let the rain seep straight into my bones
Find my old friend, make amends
Say goodbye, with a hand to his headstone
Let′s go home, Let's go home
Let′s go home, Let's go home
Let′s go home, let's go home
I just want the time to slow in a life that I have earned
See the place my lines were drawn, embrace the roots and burns
I will stand in place and shine until the monsters learn
The scars have faded, the dark′s now shade and they cannot return
Let's go home, let's go home
Let′s go home, let′s go home
Let's go home, let′s go home
Let's go home, let′s go home
Let's go home, let′s go home
Let's go home, let's go home
There was a time I felt this ... this yearning, this need, to return and go back to a place or time called home, so powerful it manifested in my body, and made me sick ...and I get it, I am with him, every word.
“We must remind ourselves that in uncertain times our own steadiness can become a sanctuary for others.”
--Jack Kornfield
Painting by Truls Espedal
"Compassion asks us to look into our own hearts, discover what gives us pain, and then refuse, under any circumstance whatsoever, to inflict that pain on anybody else."
--Karen Armstrong
London Grammar just released a new album, "The Greatest Love" and on the heels of yesterday's overwhelmingly emotional song "Black Poppies" from Underworld (here), this stirring, empathetic song "You And I" is a standout.
I have a little lump of trembling emotion in my throat as I listen to this new song, "Black Poppies" by the divine Underworld (Karl Hyde and Rick Smith). From their album "Strawberry Hotel" to be released on October 25th, 2024.
The melody...I...Hyde's voice...I just...it's just so...it's so...*sigh*
Who can handle who cares
And who never came, who cares
And keeps adopting, adapting and embracing change
And change you may feel a little strange at first
But keep changing
We got the best books and the best boys and the best buys
And the first the second will be last
And the dance floor is always full
To be it, to the rush
We got steps, well come in
You are, you are beautiful
You are, you are beautiful
Who can handle who cares
And who never came, who cares
And keeps adopting, adapting and embracing change
And change you may feel a little strange at first
But keep changing
You are, you are beautiful
You are, you are beautiful
You are, you are beautiful
"Cut a hole in the news
don’t make it complicated
we’re no longer alone
you may feel a little strange at first
Mr Mickey Marley
wild black and white
my eyes go crazy
keeps adopting, adapting
if nature is heaven
in her arms you live happy
glitter finger, numbering four weeks
studs like tiny stars
machines playing tunes to block out the life, block out the light
set fire to it if you want to see it go up in flames
follow the line to the rising sun
we are all of these things and more things"
Arranged for strings by Gus Nicholson
Violin 1- Will Clark
Violin 2 - Rocket Brooks and Sungeun Kang
Viola - Catherine McCardel
Cello - Maddie Johnston
Double Bass - Jonny Hayward
Wow. Another incredible, cosmic song from Palace (previously here). Here is "Goodnight, Farewell."
Think I want it, a different life
I'm too sentimental, for friends of mine
So please surround me, in a milk cocoon
Insurrection in a shuttered room
Tilt my head, towards the sun
The brothers both said, to the middle one
"Just remember, your inner child"
"Just remember, it's who you are"
Orange peel, kitchen sink
Late night love for my medicine
Belly turned to guts like a barrel eye
She bore witness to a precious life
Precious life, precious life
I'll never forget who you were, I'll never forget
I'll never forget who you were, I'll never forget
I'll never forget who you were
Never forget, never forget
Never forget, never forget
Forget
Keaton Henson's new song "Try" with brass musician Daniel Herskedal, from his soon-to-be-released "Somnambulant Cycles" out May 31st, 2024. The achingly beautiful sound of existence, a trip to the end of the world...just look out the window and see.
Well, this must be the season for profound songs...with Guster's lovely "Keep Going," and yesterday's new song "Boys" by Amen Dunes...here is "Time" by EELS. Oh, where do I start... where we come from, who we love, who we must leave behind, how we miss them, our own journey, the limitation of our presence...you'll need a tissue for this.
Time, it's all about time now
Tick-tock I rock, but then I look at the clock
Knock-knock, who's there?
Well, I don't dare...
Open the door
Time, there was nothing but time there
Click-clack riding down the tracks
Never worried about coming back
Anyplace looked good to me
Why not stop and see...
What's there?
Time, there isn't much time now
What's the fear, well, I like it here
With the ones I love so near
Maybe there's just somе way
Dear god...
I can stay
...by writer-director Andrew Haigh, starring Andrew Scott, Paul Mescal, Claire Foy, and Jamie Bell.
Well, actually I watched it several weeks ago but I have been unable to really speak about it or even write about it without being overcome with emotion. The story concerns itself with a script writer, Adam (Andrew Scott) who is attempting to write about his childhood and parents who tragically died in a car accident when he was 11. At the same time, Adam meets Harry (Paul Mescal) the only other inhabitant of the new highrise apartment building they live in, and they begin a relationship. Motivated by his script, Adam returns to his childhood home to reconnect with a time long past, and through some sort of...power of...something...he encounters his parents, still living in the house, appearing exactly as they did before they died.
Normally when I write about a film here, I don't include spoilers, but I just can't do it this time. Warning: major complete spoilers ahead.
When I saw the trailer for this film late last year, I felt a resonance with it. I lost my parents in a very tragic way as well, albeit not at such an early age like Adam, but still young enough to regret that they were unable to see much of my later adult life and how things turned out. Like Adam, I am an only child and carry a theme of loneliness and alone-ness inside me. And of course, Andrew Scott is an out gay actor playing a gay character...and I am an out gay actor who has played gay characters. But what really shook me was his encounter with his parents. After my mom and dad died, I had dreams of them, which is not all that unusual when one loses a loved one. My father took his own life and interestingly, my dreams revolved around him coming to terms with what he did, not me coming to terms with it. But when my mom died many months later, they both came to me in dreams many times. These dreams had a very different texture than "regular" dreams. While I still dream of them at this much later stage in my life, the dreams feel more like "regular" dreams...not the hyper-real encounters I experienced just after they died. So I knew the idea of seeing someone encounter their dead parents in such a meaningful way was going to stir me, move me, perhaps upset me. But I was prepared for it. I can "go there." After all, I have been there, and come back. People can be so skittish of films (interestingly, books not so much) that take them to difficult places where they might be emotionally vulnerable. But as I said, I have been emotionally vulnerable, A LOT in my life, and it didn't kill me. So I was prepared. And looking forward to it. The film seemed to be something I needed to ingest.
What I was not prepared for was the extent of emotion and the tone of the film. It feels like a dream. There is a subtle, hushed quality from the writing, directing, and certainly the acting that creates an arresting sense of intimacy. All four leads are masterfully penetrating and perfectly thorough in what they are presenting...these might be career defining performances for each. Andrew Scott's staggering performance and his interactions with the equally amazing Paul Mescal give the film its real intimacy.
We are introduced to Adam and his seemingly lonely--and very alone--life in a London highrise. On a walk outside at night, he looks up to see the only other inhabitant of the building, Harry, staring down at him. Once Adam returns home, Harry knocks on his door and introduces himself. It quickly becomes obvious that Harry is quite drunk with bottle of whiskey in hand, and he asks to be let in so he and Adam can hang out, maybe have sex or not...Harry innocently and desperately says, "We don't have to do anything," which is a little heartbreaking right there. While both men flirt with each other, Adam declines and Harry wanders off back to his flat. So now we know our two main characters. And this interaction proves to be the paradigm for the entire film.
I've read some journalists and critics writing about this film who have come to the conclusion that Adam's interactions with his parents are completely in his imagination. But I am going to posit that it is completely not. After taking a train out of London to the town where he grew up, he first sees his father while on a walk on the heath. It actually plays out a little like a cruising situation, with the as-yet-unknown-to-us dad beckoning to Adam to follow him, and Adam follows out of a sense of curiosity, and probably that the man seems strangely familiar somehow. Dad, played by Jamie Bell, takes his son home...to the house he grew up in. When his mum, played beautifully by Claire Foy opens the door for them, Dad says to Mum, "Yeah, it's definintely him...look in his eyes." It is finally made clear who they are. And Adam of course is dazed and speechless at seeing his parents, as they were before they died when he was a child.
He begins a series of regular visits to see and spend time with them...to catch up. He tells them he is a writer and they are proud of him. He has an afternoon alone with his mum where she asks if he has a girlfriend and he comes out to her, letting her know he is gay. She is a little put off, asks him if people are mean to him, and expresses concern for this new disease gay men are suffering from called AIDS. He assures her that things are different now and while she needs time to adjust to the idea, one can sense that her love for her son is greater than any anxiety about his sexuality. And in one of the most touching scenes, he spends a different afternoon alone with his dad. They speak of Adam crying alone in his room after being bullied at school, and his father confesses that he heard him but never came to offer comfort. This is a very common situation with young gay boys and their families but particularly their fathers, where culturally imposed homophobic beliefs and attitudes cripple and prevent fathers from connecting in a nurturing way with their sons. Adam's dad mentions that he probably would have harassed a gay kid like him when he was in school, but is now understanding of what it truly means. Dad breaks down and apologizes for not being there in the way that was needed the most. Andrew Scott plays Adam's reaction to this in one of the most powerful, authentic pieces of acting I have ever seen.
Meanwhile, the relationship that Adam and Harry are forging is really quite beautiful and authentic. The sex scenes are phenomenal...frank without being tasteless or merely titillating, and they are needed to show the closeness between the two. They bond over their shared loneliness--Adam speaks of his life long terror of being alone, and honestly, how could one not have such a morbid fear, after having one's family ripped away from them at such a young age--and the fact that while Adam's parents departed his life, Harry's parents basically disowned him for being gay. In a way, they are both orphans. But Adam is very excited to reveal to Harry that he has been spending time with his deceased parents, and begs him to come to the childhood home so he can meet them. Harry is dubious about seeing people who have been dead a long while and once they arrive at the house, the lights are off and no one answers the door, very unlike all of Adam's encounters so far. Adam is confused and doesn't understand why his parents won't let them in. He leads them around the house to the back French doors where, shockingly, both Adam and Harry can actually see the parents inside, simply standing side by side in the blackness. It's as though Harry's presence in the mix somehow interrupted the magic or power at play.
Adam has a final lunch with his parents at an American-style diner they all loved when he was young. The waitress mentions that the three meals ordered is a lot of food...for one person. Clearly the waitress cannot see his parents sitting in the booth with him. As they wait for their food, his mum and dad want to know details about the car accident that took their lives, they express their love for Adam and wish him well in his life, to not feel the crippling loneliness he has felt his whole life, and they urge Adam to promise to invest his emotions into a relationship with Harry whom they say they saw through the French doors as well. Once they fade away into another realm where they can finally rest, Adam is left alone in the diner. But he can now return to his building to see Harry and tell him about what has happened, that he is ready to dedicate himself to a life they can share, that he no longer feels alone because he can open himself to someone without carrying--or even perhaps clinging to--an idea of loneliness. He comes to Harry's apartment, and when there is no answer, he lets himself in. We see he is immediately overcome by a horrific smell and consequently discovers Harry dead in his bed, wearing the same clothes as the night they met at Adam's door, clutching the same now-empty bottle of whiskey. Apparently, Harry has been dead for quite a while. But then Adam hears a noise in the living room. There stands Harry, agitated, on the verge of tears, imploring Adam, "Is that me in there? Am I in there?" We sense Harry is now regretful for the end of his life--perhaps his death was an accident (an inadvertent mix of drugs and alcohol), perhaps it was a deliberate suicide, but the real tragedy is that Harry has fallen in love with Adam and has seen that he too no longer has to carry around a motif of loneliness...and now it is too late.
And here is why I think Adam was actually seeing and interacting with his parents...because he was actually seeing Harry the entire time, too. Unlike his parents, Adam did not know Harry was dead...he had never been to his apartment since they had always spent time together in Adam's flat. And I don't--I can't believe that Adam was completely hallucinating an entire relationship with Harry. That would make him truly delusional, and the brilliant script-writer/director Andrew Haigh gave us no indication, clue, or information leading us to believe that Adam suffers from any sort of mental illness. Adam has been having a love affair with a ghost, to put it too simply. But a ghost that was somehow, inexplicably made of matter.
Of course where the film ends up is absolutely gutting, for three reasons: 1) Adam had just broken through his loneliness by working through the loss of his parents and was ready to dedicate himself to another person, 2) Harry too had worked through his ostracization and was ready to dedicate himself to another person, and of course 3) the couple cannot have a relationship since Harry is no longer alive. Now, you'd think this would be tragic, and it certainly is, (I have not been able to think about this film without crying and I am tearing up as I write this) but how the film closes is extraordinary. Adam now has emerged from his inner exile and has the strength and understanding to lead someone else out of isolation. Adam convinces Harry to accompany him back to his own flat. There, he leads him to bed and cuddles the ghost of Harry so he can heal and presumably move on from the physical realm, like how Adam's mum and dad dissolved. We see Harry, and then the pair of them turn into a pin point and a ribbon of light that expands and joins a universe of pin points and ribbons of light. So they are together...? However, Adam is alive since the actual physical world interacts with him. But perhaps seeing human beings as illuminated light, whether alive or dead, is meant to suggest that none of us are truly alone, that we are all connected in deeper, invisible, and powerfully immutable ways. However--and this could be my own issues of alone-ness--I just can't get past the idea that Adam is once again completely alone. He succeeded, he did it, he healed, he worked through his past and the death of his parents, and opened himself to life, but now he cannot be with Harry, and, having suffered two great losses now, he is still, horribly, utterly alone. My heart and spirit goes to Adam...but perhaps he has the strength now to either endure/reframe the idea of loneliness as well as the openness to allow someone else in to his life.
Recommend? Yes. It contains not only an incredibly moving, touching, tender story but also presents some of the finest performances on film. The film and actors have won several awards already including from the British Independent Film Awards, the London Film Critics' Circle, the Los Angeles Film Critics Association Awards, and as of this writing has received six BAFTA nominations (awards given February 18, 2024).
I had to pick my jaw up from the floor when I first saw that Frankie Goes To Hollywood reunited with their original line-up to open this year's Eurovision in guest host city Liverpool. Here they are, with lead singer Holly Johnson finally back at the helm, performing their incredible song "Welcome To The Pleasuredome," which I wrote about previously here. I have to say I am unexpectedly emotional about this...that something from my youth is still, albeit with some age and silver hair, intact made me tear up with memories. It seems like, with the state of the world and all that has happened in the last many decades, that anything from that period has been destroyed, it all got the blade. But here they are, FGTH, sounding fierce as ever.
Wonderful, award-winning fine art photographer Julia Fullerton-Batten created a very touching photography series when COVID started. Called Looking Out From Within, it features Fullerton-Batten's neighbors she saw on her evening walk. The series resulted in a book of her beautiful, highly theatrical, and exquisitely lit portraits.
Her website describes her inspiration and execution:
Covid-19 came. Life changed around the world. For ever. Award-winning fine-art photographer Julia Fullerton-Batten felt she couldn’t sit around helpless. During her evening permitted exercise, walking around her local neighbourhood, she noticed people looking out of their windows onto a newly desolate world. This was sufficient for her to formulate how she would visually portray the disturbing effect of the Covid-19 lockdown had on people’s everyday lives, not only of those in her West London neighbourhood but of millions around the world. Little did she know that she would still be shooting her project over a year later.
Her idea was to photograph her neighbours imprisoned in their homes as they gazed forlornly out of their window onto the surreal, silent and stark world outside. She chose to photograph them during twilight to further enhance the poignancy of their situation and isolation. Julia advertised her idea on social media and in a local newspaper. The response was so large that she was reluctantly forced to be selective in her choice of subjects. She contacted them by phone and email to arrange details of setting, clothing, face mask and agree a date and time. Her subjects were invited to dress up and use props to share their narratives. She also asked them to answer a few informal questions about their lockdown experience, in order to add to the poignancy of their situation and provide a heightened emotional content to their stories.
The result is her series titled Looking out from Within. Fullerton-Batten explains that she has found the most important part of these images to be how they provide a magnifying glass to reflect upon what the pandemic and lockdown meant to us all. The loved ones we lost, the extended isolation from our families and the huge sacrifices that many have made. She was sad to lose one of her sitters shortly after she had photographed him.
These images have won global attention and acclaim, winning numerous awards and have been hung in galleries and at photography exhibitions worldwide. She now brings the project together in a beautifully designed limited-edition artist book, which features full-page images and includes the sitters’ personal stories. The volume will provide an insight into the lives of people not only in Julia’s part of London, but also the lives of others throughout the world. It provides a record for posterity, holding onto the memories of what we have all been through. Above all, the book is a beautiful yet tangible object, important not only for its historical importance but also for the mesmerising fine-art photography that it contains.
You can buy signed copies of her book "Looking Out From Within" at her website:
"Oh, By The Way" is my digital scrap book of things I like, things I would share with a close friend and say: “Oh, by the way, do you know of this artist/ clothing or interior designer/ model/ singer/ actor/ gorgeous man… or, have you seen this video/ photo/ film... or heard (or do you remember) this song/ band... or, read this book/ poem/ inspiring quote... or, visited this place/ museum/ restaurant/ famous building... or, have you heard of this amazing new scientific discovery?”
I am dedicated to posting the positive, the fascinating, the beautiful, the interesting, the moving, and the inspiring and uplifting. Sometimes I post cultural as well as personal observations, milestones, and remembrances. And just like life, all of these things may often have a bit of melancholy or even sadness in them, which is what makes our time here so lovely and bittersweet and precious.
Some of the photos, art, poetry, and prose are my own original work, credited with my initials, JEF. When it isn't, I always try to post links to the original source material, but often I find photos on the web that are not linked or other material that is not sourced. In these instances, I post them without malice since it is assumed that such things, by being globally posted on something as uncontrollable as the internet to begin with, are in the public domain. If you identify the source of an image that is not linked, please politely let me know (without accusing me of theft) and I will be happy to provide a link. If you are the owner of an image and would prefer it be removed, I am happy to do that as well.
I hope to inspire and entertain my readers with things that inspire and entertain me. There is a startling amount of beauty and creativity in the world and it enriches us all to participate in it.
All-time Favorite Films
2001: A Space Odyssey (Kubrick)
After Hours (Hysterical, hair-raising ride through NYC at night)
Amelie
American Beauty (Alan Ball)
Baraka (Stunning, transcending—the "spiritus mundi" on film)
Belle et Bete (Cocteau)
Big Sleep, The (The epitome of film noir)
Bringing Up Baby (Hepburn & Grant—the epitome of screwball comedy)
Cook, The Thief, His Wife, and Her Lover, The (Greenaway)
Crash (Cronenberg—DIFFICULT subject, not for everyone)
Don’t Look Now (Nicolas Roeg—ultimate modern gothic horror)
Drowning By Numbers (Greenaway)
Easy Rider
Edward II (Derek Jarman)
Erendira (From magic realist Marquez’ brilliant short story)
Eyes Wide Shut (Kubrick's last film)
Fearless (Jeff Bridges—life and death)
Funny Bones (Leslie Caron, Jerry Lewis, and the brilliant Lee Evans)
Holiday (Hepburn & Grant)
Howard’s End (The ultimate statement of the unfairness of class systems)
